One New Thing

I am in a world of firsts. Last November, I found out how to be okay with being single for the first time. I mean really okay, like, healthily so. I was in a great place.

About a month and a half after that I met a girl. On facebook. We had sex for the first time. It was my first time too. I fell for her. Not the first time I fell for a girl, but it was the first time one fell for me too. She moved in right away, because she needed someplace to go and I needed a roommate. Not the first time I've had a girl for a roommate, but the first time we've shared a room. I told her I loved her for the first time, and I meant it, and she said it back, and she meant it. That was a first for me.

We moved out. And in. To a new place. With a lease. I signed it and I thought, I REALLY believed, that for a full year I could live with her. It seemed doable.

There was trouble in paradise though. I think the both of us saw it coming and started preparing ourselves for it. The other too. So that was kind of a first too. The first beginning of the first end.

And now here I am. At what I hope is near the end of the end. The first end. My first end. Probably not my last either.

But I didn't want to buzz over it that fast in this post. There is so much more to this story than that. I instigated the end, you see. We went to lunch and all was fine. We were both going to go away to a lake with friends tomorrow in the morning. We were meeting with those friends and laughing and joking and planning and hoping. We came home and she wanted to have what she anticipated to be a difficult talk about our sex life, about a recent occurrence that troubled us both greatly. I snapped though.

I talked about the event itself. I can't post it here, to protect the guilty. I accused, and was very very honest about how I had felt for quite some time, long before this event. And one hour later, the relationship was over.

Seven months, instigated by a few hours of passion, undone by only one. It seems almost unfair, what I did to her, what she did to me, all the good and all the bad, all mixed up and hellish and just...gone...all gone...

It's striking me just now that she's gone. That I made her leave. That now, again, I'm alone. I have my first new ex.

I'm not sure that I will be okay as a single person right away.

TRH